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Post by miki on May 22, 2006 21:46:57 GMT 8
here's one...
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
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Post by chelsjellobeanie on May 22, 2006 21:51:32 GMT 8
I got one, A man was at work when he thought of his wife who was sick when he left for work. So he decided to see how was she feeling. He called home and the maid picked up the phone. 'Hello? what is mom doing?' Thinking that he better not disturb her if she's asleep. 'Sir, mum in the room with another guy.' Thinking that something must be wrong.. he told the maid, ' you go see what they doing, secretly.' When the maid came back to the phone, she said, ' Sir, i go peep and see mom with the guy sleeping on the bed! without wearing anything.' Enraged, he said, 'you now go to the room and take the gun that i hid under the bed, and kill the both of them!' So the maid went into the room unnoticed, this time with the cordless phone to inform Sir what she is doing. The maid went under the bed, then whispered, 'Sir, no gun, only hammer.' This time, Sir could hear them making love in the room, he was so angry that he shouted into the phone,' also can!! just kill them!!' So the maid took the hammer and hit both of them to death. With every hit, the impact was so big that Sir could hear it. He was feeling better with every sound he hears. After a few minutes, the maid came back to the phone and said: 'Sir, i think they die already.' Just in case, Sir thought, he said, 'throw them into the pool and let them drown. I'll come back to dispose of them myself later.' The maid said, ' but Sir, our house no pool.' Sir was now puzzled. He thought the maid doesnt understand pool, so he said, ' the pool,swimming pool behind the house. The one the children swim in. Throw them there.' The maid, now as confused, said, ' Sir, our house HDB, no pool.' Just then, Sir realised... his maid went back to The Phillipines yesterday... what does this whole thing mean ahh??? i dont know...explain..ahahahhaa..
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Post by miki on May 22, 2006 21:57:01 GMT 8
I think it means that the maid mistaken her sir looking for her mother. Then she said her mother in bed with another guy. But since 'mum' and 'mom' sounds the same, tt's why the sir also mistaken, then ask the maid to kill 'mum' meaning his wife. But then since the maid is at her hometown, she kill her mother instead...
shld be something like this ba...
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Post by miki on May 22, 2006 21:59:18 GMT 8
another coming up...
Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Humphrey. The guard says, "Well, we'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Humphrey overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Humphrey, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Humphrey. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand backs to Humphrey, and watches him cross the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events repeated everyday for three years. Finally, Humphrey doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Humphrey sips his beer and says, "bicycles."
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Post by miki on May 22, 2006 22:18:16 GMT 8
again...
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice Gazonas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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Post by chelsjellobeanie on May 22, 2006 23:01:35 GMT 8
ahahhahaha!! i finally have some!!! here you go...its a riddle..
1.why do mermaids wear seashells?
coz b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big!!
2.Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
3.An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
4. A man joined a big Multinational company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone," Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "you fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No", replied the trainee. "Its the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" the MD responded. The man shouted back," and do you know who you're talking to, you fool?" "No", replied the MD. "Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone!
5. Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said - "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after a few minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"
"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"
ok la..i'll save the rest for some other time.. ahahahha.. i got it from a forum though.. ahahaha..not mine..
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Post by l0takol on May 22, 2006 23:35:39 GMT 8
Nono... mine actually means that he dialed the wrong number...
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Post by miki on May 22, 2006 23:58:20 GMT 8
fine...
A traveling salesman was driving down a farm road when his car suddenly stopped and wouldn't start again. A farmer on a tractor was passing by and stopped to help the salesman fix his car. By the time they were finished, it was almost sundown, so the farmer told the salesman he could spend the night at his home if he didn't mind sharing the bed with his twin daughters. The salesman thought the twins were kids, so he said it was okay. They farmer took the salesman to his home and went into the house.
After a few minutes of talking and cleaning up, the men were called to the dinner table by the farmer's wife. As they sat down, the salesman saw the two most beautiful young ladies he had ever seen. The farmer introduced them as his twin daughters. During the entire meal all the salesman thought about was he was sleeping in the same bed as the girls and he was going to have a good time that night. They all finished their supper and the men went and talked while the women finished cleaning up. The salesman couldn't keep his mind off what was to be a good time. Finally it was time to go to bed and the salesman anxiously got prepared. The twins got into the bed, one on each side of the salesman. Just as the lights were going to be turned off, the farmer came into the bedroom and placed one egg on both sides of the salesman. The farmer said, "This is to make sure you don't do anything with my daughters tonight!! If I come in tomorrow morning and find one or both eggs broken, I'll know you did something and I'll shoot you!! You understand? Well, the salesman looked at the eggs, the farmer, and the shotgun in the farmer's hand and quietly replied that he understood. With that, the farmer told them goodnight and turned off the light.
During the night, the salesman turned over and accidentally broke one of the eggs. "What the hell," he thought, "I'm dead anyway," and screwed the first twin. After several minutes of bliss, he rolled off of her and broke the other egg. "Might as well go out smiling," he thought and had his way with the second twin. When he was finished, he noticed that it was almost sunup and the farmer was starting to stir. Thinking quickly, he looked into his sales bag and got out a tube of superglue and glued the eggs back together. The glue dried quickly and the salesman jumped back into the bed and had just put both eggs back when the farmer entered.
"I see the eggs are alright, so I guess I won't shoot you. Want some breakfast?"
"What are you making?" the salesman asked.
Holding up the eggs, he said, "Eggs."
"No thanks, I'll eat later, I got to get going!!!" the salesman quickly said and grabbed his clothes and left.
The farmer went to the stove and broke the first egg over the skillet, but nothing came out. He then broke the second egg and again, nothing came out. Extremely pissed off, the farmer walked out to the hen house and shouted, "Alright...which one of you roosters is wearing a rubber???"
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Post by miki on May 23, 2006 0:04:18 GMT 8
Here's another one before gg off...
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
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Post by chelsjellobeanie on May 23, 2006 19:15:53 GMT 8
^...HEH??? what does it mean?? is it me??or are some of these jokes so difficult to understand??? i never had such difficulty understanding jokes.. ahahahahhaa..
no jokes at the moment.. ahahahahahha...
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Post by miki on May 23, 2006 20:50:13 GMT 8
dun understand nvm... ;D
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Post by miki on May 24, 2006 23:30:20 GMT 8
ppl... run out of cold jokes??
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Post by mun33ra on May 25, 2006 14:29:35 GMT 8
let's change the title of this thread then! I dun like COLD jokes!! let's post FuNNy jokes!
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Post by miki on May 25, 2006 18:01:48 GMT 8
hahaha... okok...
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Post by chelsjellobeanie on May 25, 2006 21:51:01 GMT 8
cannot nvm mannn... please explain...ahahahahaha....
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