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Post by l0takol on May 21, 2006 0:35:41 GMT 8
Another one:
One day, a reckless taxi driver hit a priest. Both of them died and was sent to heaven.
At the 'immigration counter', the person saw the driver and sent him to the second highest rank of angel.
Then came the priest. The person saw him and said, ' 5th ranks of angels', he said.
Now the priest, feeling unfair, said: This driver who killed me was sent to the 2nd rank. While I, who preaches and prays to God is rank number 5. How is this fair?
The 'immigration officer' said: Well, while people listens to you, half of the time they fall asleep. However, he makes people worship God, as when people takes his taxi, they always prayed...'
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Post by miki on May 21, 2006 0:41:28 GMT 8
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’”
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Post by miki on May 21, 2006 0:46:44 GMT 8
Here goes another...
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to him, "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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Post by l0takol on May 21, 2006 0:49:13 GMT 8
how come u so fast one lor... i take so long type one story...
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Post by miki on May 21, 2006 0:55:57 GMT 8
cos i cut and paste? XD
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Post by miki on May 21, 2006 1:08:43 GMT 8
another here...
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma.” wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
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Post by longmao32 on May 22, 2006 21:16:01 GMT 8
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties." ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.'' MIingYi u so pervertic!! lol ;D U all r under 18
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Post by longmao32 on May 22, 2006 21:17:56 GMT 8
Gt this guy left 3 strands of hair on his head oni, he super precious them n comb n condition them. However, one day, to every1 surprise he pluck out 1 strand of his hair. WHY? the hair he plucked out wasn't frm his head? GIVE UP!!! MINGYI GIVE UP!!!
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Post by longmao32 on May 22, 2006 21:20:06 GMT 8
I got one, A man was at work when he thought of his wife who was sick when he left for work. So he decided to see how was she feeling. He called home and the maid picked up the phone. 'Hello? what is mom doing?' Thinking that he better not disturb her if she's asleep. 'Sir, mum in the room with another guy.' Thinking that something must be wrong.. he told the maid, ' you go see what they doing, secretly.' When the maid came back to the phone, she said, ' Sir, i go peep and see mom with the guy sleeping on the bed! without wearing anything.' Enraged, he said, 'you now go to the room and take the gun that i hid under the bed, and kill the both of them!' So the maid went into the room unnoticed, this time with the cordless phone to inform Sir what she is doing. The maid went under the bed, then whispered, 'Sir, no gun, only hammer.' This time, Sir could hear them making love in the room, he was so angry that he shouted into the phone,' also can!! just kill them!!' So the maid took the hammer and hit both of them to death. With every hit, the impact was so big that Sir could hear it. He was feeling better with every sound he hears. After a few minutes, the maid came back to the phone and said: 'Sir, i think they die already.' Just in case, Sir thought, he said, 'throw them into the pool and let them drown. I'll come back to dispose of them myself later.' The maid said, ' but Sir, our house no pool.' Sir was now puzzled. He thought the maid doesnt understand pool, so he said, ' the pool,swimming pool behind the house. The one the children swim in. Throw them there.' The maid, now as confused, said, ' Sir, our house HDB, no pool.' Just then, Sir realised... his maid went back to The Phillipines yesterday... This heard b4 liao, it's actually nt funny man...
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Post by longmao32 on May 22, 2006 21:28:14 GMT 8
MY turn...
Mayb heard b4 liao but it's worth another listen...
Gt this guy tt love his wife alot...
his wif is pregnant for almost 9 mths liao, gonna give birth liao...
As he loves his wife, he do not wan him to be painful during birth
one day, her wife give birth he was inside
Being experienced doctor shld noes how to lessen the pain of the mother
he told him i will set a spell n the pain will b travel to the father...
after the baby was born, the mother was happy tt there's no pain, the guy was doubtin on y he n his wife didnt experience pain
BECOZ
the postman died on their doorstep....
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
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Post by longmao32 on May 22, 2006 21:31:32 GMT 8
This is by Jillian...i'm sry to muneera, if u dun understand this hokkien word but can traslate to u
What do black eyed peas sae to the chay kway tiao hawker?
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Post by l0takol on May 22, 2006 21:33:50 GMT 8
not funny, rosy... NOT FUNNY
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Post by miki on May 22, 2006 21:41:06 GMT 8
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties." ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.'' MIingYi u so pervertic!! lol ;D U all r under 18 I'm already 18...
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Post by miki on May 22, 2006 21:42:02 GMT 8
the hair he plucked out wasn't frm his head? GIVE UP!!! MINGYI GIVE UP!!! -_-'''... fine... I gave up... so wat's the ans?
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Post by miki on May 22, 2006 21:43:16 GMT 8
MY turn... Mayb heard b4 liao but it's worth another listen... Gt this guy tt love his wife alot... his wif is pregnant for almost 9 mths liao, gonna give birth liao... As he loves his wife, he do not wan him to be painful during birth one day, her wife give birth he was inside Being experienced doctor shld noes how to lessen the pain of the mother he told him i will set a spell n the pain will b travel to the father... after the baby was born, the mother was happy tt there's no pain, the guy was doubtin on y he n his wife didnt experience pain BECOZ the postman died on their doorstep.... LOLOLOLOLOLOL ermmm... I dun understand this...
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